I went to bed last night thinking today would be one of the best days, ever. I was a good primal eater all day. I washed my face, flossed & brushed and got into bed with a book before 9pm. Lights out before 11pm. Check. Check. Check. Good job, mom!
I woke up achy and grumpy. Didn't work out. Bitterly got in the shower and ready for a play date with B's school mates. Got everyone packed up and in the car..late..tank on E, SHIZA! Arrive late and it is cold and windy so the other mom's are going to CFA (B's favorite place) but we have already made other plans. He asked me why we couldn't go to CFA and I explained to him that we already made other plans and you want to keep your word. But, why? But, why? But, why? Why does it matter so much what others think of us? I've spent my life attempting to make everyone around me comfortable and happy, to my own demise. Everyone around me (excluding Jason and the boys) seems disappointed in me and I've been wallowing in my own poor self-esteem, self-pity, depression, whatever, so obviously I failed. I was unable to keep everyone around me content, sacrificing myself was not worth it. But what is really chapping my hind, why do I care what those people think of me. I'm willing to bet what they are seeing is not me. I think, I've forgotten her too. I do remember her being not so bad and I miss her. If I'm allowing other people to determine the perception of me, what am I doing? I wouldn't allow a stranger into my house, why do I allow them into my body, into my vision of myself and allow them to take the drivers seat and drive me in endless circles. Why not just drive into the wall? At least I would have exhibited some choice.
Went to lunch twice today, the 1st place I didn't eat and I found myself pitying the people around me filling their bodies with such garbage. 2nd lunch was a soup and salad buffet, I did fairly well. I ate on small muffin. Got home, more stress..now i find myself writing this entry while drinking a soda and eating little orange colored fish. I'm already noticeably bloated. Now I want a cigarette, haven't thought about them in days but now I want one super badly. I hate my habits...but I wouldn't trade them for anyone else's!
take control of your life.
tomorrow will be.
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